Mental Health and Wellbeing in Mothers After Childbirth: How to Support Your Partner
By Alyse WIllett, LPC
Congratulations, new parent! Going through pregnancy and childbirth is no small matter, and you may have a whole new appreciation for your partner as you watch her become a mother. The transition from pregnancy to having a newborn can be a life-changing experience, and frequently includes a whole host of intense emotions. The physical recovery itself, the sudden lack of sleep, hormonal changes, and stressors associated with breastfeeding can often be a recipe for noticeable mood changes in new mothers. As her partner, it’s completely natural to feel concern for your significant other during this transitional time. And while you may not be recovering from labor or breastfeeding, there are several ways for new dads/partners to support mom’s mental health.
Mental Health in New Moms: Baby Blues vs. Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders
You may be familiar with the term “baby blues,” which refers to the mother’s psychological state following childbirth up to two weeks after delivery. Baby blues is an incredibly common and temporary mood condition, often resolving on its own without medical intervention. Common symptoms of baby blues include sudden mood swings, feeling sad or crying for no apparent reason, unusual irritability, restlessness, and anxiousness. New mothers who experience these mood symptoms for several weeks after delivery, or present with a severe version of these symptoms, may have a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder. Perinatal mood disorders (formerly postpartum depression) are estimated to affect 1 in 7 women (American Psychiatric Association, 2020) and are serious, but treatable, medical conditions. If you have any concerns that your partner may be showing signs of a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, encourage her to talk with her Ob-Gyn, Midwife, or even your child’s pediatrician so she can receive immediate treatment.
Okay, Got It. My Partner Is Stable but Could Still Use Support. What Can I Do?
Assuming any serious mood or anxiety concerns have been addressed and treated, there’s still the fact that having a newborn is often exhausting and difficult, and as a result your partner’s mental health may not be at peak functioning. So, what can you do? Here’s a list of simple and effective ways to ease the mental strain from your partner:
Listen and validate: validate what your partner is expressing and empathize with her. Note: this does not mean trying to “fix” the problem or attempting to soothe your partner’s emotional experience by talking them out of their feelings. Encourage your partner to share her thoughts and feelings with you and her trusted support network of friends and family. If you’re unsure how to empathize without going into problem-solving mode, a good tip is to reflect or summarize what your partner is saying back to them (e.g. “it sounds like you’re exhausted from trying to get the baby to nap. That must’ve been really frustrating when he/she kept waking up).
Share the load: Dividing and conquering parental duties will help keep you both sane. If mom is breast or bottle feeding, offer to change the diaper or burp the baby. This goes for all household tasks too: if you see a sink full of dirty dishes or a laundry basket full of clean clothes that needs to be put away, jump into action and do the task without waiting to be asked.
Spend alone time with baby: Not only does doing so give your partner a much-needed break (and hopefully even a nap!), but spending quality time with your baby allows the two of you to bond. If you’re nervous about spending time alone with your newborn, you’ll also gain confidence about your ability to parent when doing so without your significant other around.
Trade-off during the night to help each other get sleep: One of the biggest hurdles of having a newborn is the sleep-deprivation. Newborns need to eat a lot, including overnight when all you want to do is face-plant into your pillow and sleep off exhaustion. If baby is formula fed, you can easily split-up nighttime feedings to increase the amount of uninterrupted sleep you and your partner are receiving. If mom is nursing but pumping breast milk during the day, the same thing can be achieved by preparing a bottle of breast milk beforehand. If mom is breastfeeding and not pumping, try and be more hands-on with babycare during daytime hours which allows her to catch up on much needed sleep.
Rely on your community of friends and family: The old proverb “it takes a village” has stuck around for generations for a reason. Your friends and family want to support your during this transitional period and there’s no reason why you shouldn’t allow them to. Asking for a home-cooked meal, help with a simple errand, or even for someone else to hold the baby can bring relief to both you and your significant other.
Pay attention to your own mental health: Becoming a parent may look different for you then for the new mother, but having a new baby is a major life change and can affect the moods of all family members. Being mindful of any sadness or anxiety you’re feeling is essential to regulating those emotions. Make sure to prioritize your own self-care so you can be in the best place possible to assist your partner.
And lastly – don’t keep score: Nobody wins in the argument of “who’s working harder.” Communicate openly and honestly with your partner to prevent resentment from rearing its ugly head. Having a baby can naturally put strain on a relationship, so it’s important to think of yourselves as partners with equal stakes in the game.